The old ‘me’

“Its after two long years and here comes my moment, I felt like I was meant for his arms. We moulded so perfectly into each other, like two inseparable souls in one body. Its just easy and undoubted that I love him. I love him with all my heart and soul and there’s is something still existent between us that cannot be washed away with time, by people or any other way. His eyes are so true, each time I look at them, I fall in love with him all over again. The innocence in his voice just makes me forget all the hurt and anger. I know, I’m crazy for him and there’s something inside me that will always be his and won’t let me forget him ever in my life.  I just can’t let him go.”

Nostalgia hits me hard, whenever I come across my old diary. It feels like, I’m there in the past experiencing all what happened and what I felt then. But, its just matter of seconds that I take control and come back to reality, as past is past and is gone and I cannot relive it, no matter how desperately I want to. While, wandering through the old pages, I recall the ‘old me’, how sensitive, how considerate was that girl. Unknown to the intricacies of life, she was honest and naive. As the time passed by, I notice the changes life has brought in her. How she changed from a sweet, innocent girl to an independent and strong woman. However, even now whenever I come across the old me in certain events, I feel glad and cherish the ways of that girl in me. She knew how to love unconditionally, how to be free of all expectations and all she wanted in return, was to be loved. Now that times have changed, the expectations are all that matters, love is bounded by doubts and distrust and all she needs is to be left alone in peace. Its like the entire meaning of life has been altered and now its easy to let go than to find strength and hold on to something you truly love. There was a time, when I could find hope and visualize the bright future ahead but now the vision has been blurred by delusions and fear of the uncertain. Belief and trust have become mere words without any meaning to them. Writing all of this numbs my mind, the old me wants to come back and infuse new life in me but the pain I have experienced over a period of time has made me hostile and even thinking about any change creates a sense of insecurity and leaves me in a dilemma; what’s better, to be the ‘old me’ or continue to live the way I’m.

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